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HEY BITCH... IF YOU SEE THIS, FUCK YOU. IF EVER SAY ANYTHING ABOUT MY CHILD AGAIN I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN. I KNOW WHO YOU ARE. DON'T FOOL YOURSELF INTO THINKING I DON'T! YOU MAY BE FUCKING CRAZY BUT I SURE AS HELL WILL BE IF YOU EVEN THINK ABOUT SAYING SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ABOUT MY CHILD OR MY FAMILY AGAIN. |
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Dec. 1st, 2006 @ 01:11 am
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... I forgot.
I forgot a lot of things. |
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I think I'm going to ask him to marry me.
I wonder if I actually have the balls to do it. I guess we'll see in two months.
Another thing to consider is if that is really what I want. I think it is, but I'm not 100% sure at this moment in time. I like being single. I am very young. I have many plans for the future. The thing is, I don't think he would get in the way of that. I think he would be supportive. I think he would be behind me 100%. I think he loves me just as much as I love him, and always has. It would be a brave move to go ahead with it. I am scared of what he'll say. He won't be expecting this at all. At least, I don't think he will be. What if that's not what he wants? What if he doesn't want to try at a long distance... well engagement. I'm scared to ask, but I think I must. I've never felt this way before. He's the love of my life. Always has been, always will be. We were meant for each other from the moment we first met, from the first moment I saw his eyes and his smile. It may not always seem like we are perfect for each other, since our tastes are not perfectly matched and we have had a fight or two. We are, though, absolutely perfectly matched. We are and always will be meant for eachother.
Current Mood:  nervous |
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A little Recent History; AKA Background
Today seemed to be never ending. I woke up and biked into work. I then proceeded to work a very LONG, agonizing shift. We were ridiculously understaffed and incredibly busy. I was placed in children's for the duration, with sporadic calls to the register. We also had a little help from another store. They sent over one of their managers, who decided to completely take over and irritate the few people that were working today. That compounded on a HUGE pile of recovery, further training in children's as well as customer service, I was exhausted and more than ready to leave. I did so via my two-wheeled best friend. On the way home I had a man who found himself with an itch to scratch offering me a ride home while I was trying to cross 70. This is neither a new experience nor a big deal, just one more thing to ad to my already tested patience. I got home and decided that I really wanted some nourishing lemonade tea, apples and peanut butter, and cigarettes. I walked up to WAWA which is not a long hike in the least. I got there grabbed money from the ATM and the necessary sustenance. I moseyed on over to the counter, placed my items down and requested a pack of my favorite, Marlboro 100's. The woman behind said counter decided that I must not be of age. Because I buy the delicious cancer sticks every three days from this particular WAWA and have not been carded in at least two months, I had decided to not bother bringing along identification. She refused to give me the fags and offered a hardly enthusiastic "Have a Good Day." I was irritated by this, but decided that I would just let it slide and go back and get my ID.I was annoyed by hits, but it's her job and I can't really hold it against her just because I have had a trying day. I returned shortly there after with Passport and money in hand and requested, again, Marlboro 100's. She took the ID and decided to read all the information provided, not just my DOB. She then took my money and scanned Marlboro Lights. She flopped them down and I immediately pushed them towards her along with the comment, "No, I asked for Marlboro 100's." "...Oh. Marlboro Light 100's?" she responded while grabbing the distasteful pack. "No. Marlboro 100's" "Just regular???" "...Yes..." She again flopped the pack I had now requested of her four times by name. I grabbed it and she gave me my change. With an expression of pure spite and distaste, she said again," Have a good day!" but this time with more sarcastic enthusiasm than I have heard in a good while.
Now that I have all the background information required out of the way, would you like to hear what I did about it?!
Nothing.
I walked out the door without another word uttered. I wanted more than the cigarettes themselves to open up the pack, light a cigarette, blow the smoke in her face, and state with sincere, composure-breaking coldness, You, too, and saunter out the door. Although this would have been beneficial to all parties present, except, of course, the woman inhaling the insulting second hand smoke. Everyone in attendance, including myself and the woman behind the register, would have had a little story to tell for quite a while. Witnesses would have been able to live sporadically something they probably would have loved to do at some point or another themselves. Im sure the details would have been quite different, but everyone has had an experience with a testy cashier, rude waiter, belittling boss, etc. Everyone has desired, at one point in time, to return discourtesy in a like or superior degree.
I did not follow my instincts to return the favor of her kindness. In refraining from doing so, I am sitting here at my computer, wasting time, mulling over my disappointing custody of reservations, while She Runs Away by Duncan Sheik reverberates in my skull (thank you Khols).
Kids, the moral of the story is dont reserve your sadistic tendencies for retaliation because of logic or common courtesy for others. It will only result in some wasted time pondering your discontentment in you r lack of action.
Current Mood:  contemplative |
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Aug. 29th, 2006 @ 11:28 am
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Why do so few people understand the concept of communication? The purpose is to express an idea or fact. When you "beat around the bush" it completely defeats the purpose of speaking at all. If you can't be honest, don't speak. I have never been one to enjoy white lies or dancing around a tender matter. Sure, I am far from a fan of bad news, but no one is. The bottom line: I prefer the truth in all cases.
Let's see if I can provide some examples so that I may further express my meaning-
1) The largest waste of speech is mind games. When in a relationship of any kind (be it purely friendly or otherwise) many people choose to manipulate the second party through miscommunication. The incessant usage of this particular method of manipulation distorts each individual’s perception of honesty and sincerity.
2) Avoiding a problem is a second way to create miscommunication. Disregarding a negative aspect will only increase the negativity of said topic and in no way lead to a solution. All topics regardless of a melancholy nature should be addressed swiftly and honestly. The desired effect of avoiding a topic is to decrease the discomfort of one or both parties. This is never the result. When all is said and done (or unsaid and unfinished) all that results is further confusion and aggravation.
These two examples are the two areas of miscommunication that burrow under my skin and give me the urge to scream in frustration.
IF YOU FEEL THE NEED TO DO EITHER OF THESE, PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SPEAKING WITH ME. YOU HAVE JUST DESTROYED ANY REASON FOR CONVERSATION.
Thank You and Have a Pleasant Day.Current Mood:  disappointed |
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I've always said... and never followed my own advice... don't talk about a good thing.
JINXED
THis too shall pass BEth. Times will be hard for a while, but everything is looknig up. In the end, everything will be ok!
My father has decided to stop paying child support even though my mother is still providing for both Eric and me. This screws me over. If he had at least waited till the end of the year, I would be perfectly fine. My mother on the other hand, will defiantly be having some hard times ahead of her as well. Thankfully I will be out of the house soon. This means less food that she has to buy, less electricity will be used, one less phone bill (which I am stuck paying and can't afford), and a lower water bill as well. Still... she's going to be have some hard time as well.
Aug. 23rd, 2006 @ 06:35 pm
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| » I definatly don't want to jinx anything right now |
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!. Apartments: Over the next week or so I will be looking at an assload of appartments. I have five appointments for five seperate apartments over the next week. I'm going to be calling to set up two more after Thursday. I am ridiculously excited!
@. I have a girlfriend. THings are going great! A first it was a little odd because we've known eachother for so long and have only been friends. That's starting to turn around, though. We're gonig out to dinner next week. THat should be enjoyable. :-D
#. I am waiting around impatiently for my second interviews at Wegman's and Lindt. I can't wait to be bringing in $1650 a month. It may not be an incredible amount, but it sure is a hell of a lot more than I've ever made before this.
Wish me luck in all my endeavors.
Aug. 23rd, 2006 @ 03:37 pm
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So I might have a girl friend. Tonight was insane. We'll see in the morning... well when we're both done being drunk if it was actually meant or not.
Aug. 19th, 2006 @ 04:27 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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Job #2 opportunities:
1. Baker's
2. The Holloween Store
3. Spencer's
Beth is a wokin' girl now.
I've decided that it's time to work my ass off, move out, and spend some quality time with people I haven't been seeing as much as I should. Relationships are a no go. I will not be tricked into one again. In the end, the result is always the same. I'm not even sure if I need sex anymore. My libido has become increasingly smaller. This may be stress. This may be discouragement. Either way, for me it's an addiction and that's the last thing I need right now. I'm in a situation where I'll be using it as a way to escape my stress and troubles. A release. This sounds familiar... alcohol... cutting... NOT NEEDED.
Aug. 11th, 2006 @ 01:03 pm
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| » if you can dodge traffic you can dodge anything |
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I'm having a bit of a relapse. I was very happy for a while. It might have been because I was drunk or busy. I just can't stand being alone anymore. I don't have the will within me to call around and find something to do either. I'm just not used to alone time anymore. I'm used to having Rich here or returning shortly. I'm NOT upset about the relationship going down the drain. I've accepted it. Shit happens. Oh well. I just do NOT feel like wasteing my time with people I don't want to be around. Even the people I do enjoy being around, I just don't feel like calling. I'm really not happy right now. I'm just in a funk, I guess. Soon I'll start working (Monday). THen I can afford to go out. They I can afford to enjoy myself. I won't have this feeling that I'm a bum anymore. I won't have to feel bad about bumming money. Anyway, I'm off now because I can't take looking at this screen and the shitty thing I have to say.
Aug. 10th, 2006 @ 01:14 pm
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| » Another one bites the dust |
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So, Beth has been left... again. I really don't understand why this happens to me. I have a great personality. I am great in relationships. I'm not terribly horrific in the looks department. I'm not controlling in the least. I get along with everyone, so friends and parentals are usually never a problem. How can I treat Rich better than he's ever been treated and truely appreciate him the way few people and no females have and still be given up and for seemingly no good reason besides a change in the wind. I deserve to be treated better than this. I deserve to have someone actually care about me the way I care about them and for it to STAY THAT WAY! Someone please tell me what the fuck is wrong with me?
Well I've decided I'm going to stick to mostly chicks from now on. Hopefully this change of pace will keep me from getting hurt. As for relationships, this just pushes me farther from being capable of having one. I guess I'm back on the dating band wagon. It never does take me long to bounce back. This does not mean in any way shape or form that I have recovered, 'cause I have not. I'm just good at suppressing unhappiness and anger. I'm too happy a person to alloy myself to be upset for too long. I'm realized that as long as I stay distracted, I'm not all that sad. It's in the down time that I get depressed.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame of me. I've been fooled over and over again. Shame on me. I'm done for quite a while.
Aug. 2nd, 2006 @ 10:54 am
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| » ENOUGH |
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YOU KNOW, YOU'RE UGLY WHEN YOU'RE ANGRY.
Aug. 1st, 2006 @ 04:11 am
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| » (No Subject) |
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I am more unhappy right now than I have been in years. I feel useless. I feel like a waste... a bum. I have no job. No school. Barely any money. I force myself to sleep in everyday, so I don't have to wake up. So I don't have to face another wasteful, empty day. Every morning, or afternoon I should say, I wake up to nothingness. I can't take this. It has only been a week or two since I lost my job and I'm already going insane. I can't take being unemployed. I am so upset by everything that's going on right now and the no job situation is making it so much worse. I want to cry so bad. I just want to let everything out and hope with every cell in my body that it will make a difference. Imagine what it feels like to wake up everyday and just want more than anything to go back to sleep and not wake up until you can handle life. Now I KNOW why some older people are so unhappy. There’s nothing that can fill the gap of fulfilling your goals. Even if you're just in the process of doing so, there is nothing that can fill that gap. Nothing seems to make me too happy anymore. I can be happy for moments, for short spans of time, but nothing permanent. The worst part of it is that I am naturally such a happy and optimistic person. Right now I am the opposite. I can’t stand feeling this way and I would give anything to change it. I have no incentive to do anything: from eating to going out to showering to drinking to reading. Anything and everything seems pointless right now. I force myself to do the things that need to be done, but it is agony. I feel like an empty, worthless THING. I feel as though I can't do anything right. I thought I was improving myself by loosing weight until I realized I was making myself sick. For the past week or so I have been getting physically ill everyday. It was usually after working out or doing some kind of strenuous activity. I just realized last night after almost puking all over the red room of the club that I have been making myself ill via my diet. I've been eating all fruits, veggies and "healthy food". No carbs. I put two and two together finally. If you're working out often (which I have been) you should consume lots of carbs so your body has something to burn. I have been working out and burning far more calories than I had consumed, thus causing nausea and illness. Bravo Beth. You finally do something worth being proud of and you did it completely wrong, inevitably injuring yourself. BRAVO!
I give up. Until I get a new job or two, I guess I'll just have to live in misery.
Jun. 29th, 2006 @ 04:54 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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I can't help but feel like a hypocrite. I'm angry... so angry with Alyssa and Pat for what is gonig on. ...But how can I be angry when I was in a similar situation? My choices then are the one thing I truely regret. I regret nothing in my life, except that. I was stupid and confused, and made horrible decisions. I can't stand to see Awwyson so unhappy, though. There are a million and one reasons that I am angry. The situations are not the same, though. I am in no way condoning my own actions at all. I was completely wrong from the start and I am just ridiculously glad that all worked out for the best in the end. That could be why I am so angry. She didn't learn from my mistakes. She judged me and stabbed me in the back. Now she's in a similar situation, she is doing no wrong.
It doesn't matter. I just hope everything gets better and everone can get along again.
Jun. 19th, 2006 @ 01:55 am
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| » what the hell is wrong with people?! |
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And here I thought no one hated me...
'Cause who the fuck would have reason to hate me?!
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (8:57:06 PM): hey girl
SuiZe WeBeR (8:57:15 PM): hello
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (8:59:29 PM): so who's youre new crush?
SuiZe WeBeR (8:59:42 PM): its a secret
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (8:59:48 PM): pish posh
SuiZe WeBeR (8:59:51 PM): lol
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (8:59:54 PM): just how that other boy before was?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:00:06 PM): which one?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:00:20 PM): the goofy looking one
SuiZe WeBeR (9:00:42 PM): goofy looknig onE?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:00:49 PM): 'yeah you know
SuiZe WeBeR (9:01:12 PM): um.. .no
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:01:20 PM): yeah whats his na,e
SuiZe WeBeR (9:03:12 PM): i have no idea
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:03:14 PM): too many to keep up with right?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:03:22 PM): of course
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:03:34 PM): thats what happens when youre a slut
SuiZe WeBeR (9:03:58 PM): thanks
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:04:28 PM): maybe you can put cut marks in yourself to keep track of all the boys
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:04:33 PM): you're good at that!
SuiZe WeBeR (9:04:52 PM): ......wtf who is this?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:05:04 PM): its a secret!
SuiZe WeBeR (9:05:43 PM): i dont know who you are or what the fuck your problem is so why dont you go away
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:06:18 PM): oooh youre big bad and tough, oh wait you're just plain BIG, infact HUGE. eating disorders are cool though
SuiZe WeBeR (9:06:34 PM): yeah im massive let me tell you
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:06:44 PM): haha you're gut told me
SuiZe WeBeR (9:07:36 PM): ... what is ur problem?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:08:03 PM): you
SuiZe WeBeR (9:08:06 PM): why?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:08:41 PM): you're ugly and shouldve just died when you played the violin on your body
SuiZe WeBeR (9:08:58 PM): ...what?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:10:05 PM): i honestly have no idea who you are or what i did t you that ur this hateful
SuiZe WeBeR (9:13:22 PM): who is this?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:13:56 PM): you should know
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:13:58 PM): take a tuess
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:14:03 PM): guess*
SuiZe WeBeR (9:14:14 PM): i honestly have no clue
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:14:31 PM): no really guess
SuiZe WeBeR (9:14:45 PM): i cant possibly think of anyone
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:14:59 PM): right you big herpes having whore
SuiZe WeBeR (9:15:17 PM): yeah that's me alright
SuiZe WeBeR (9:15:27 PM): if i should know who u r why dont u just tell me
SuiZe WeBeR (9:15:59 PM): ?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:16:36 PM): you're not good enough
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:16:52 PM): tell you what. lose some more sleep over it
SuiZe WeBeR (9:17:17 PM): ...]
SuiZe WeBeR (9:17:27 PM): what the fuck is the point of al lthis?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:19:44 PM): youre fat?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:20:08 PM): yup massive
SuiZe WeBeR (9:20:14 PM): we established this
SuiZe WeBeR (9:21:25 PM): there really is no point is there? are you really that pathetic and bored?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:22:01 PM): no im actually really busy doing work and talking shit. i multitask like no other
SuiZe WeBeR (9:22:18 PM): yes i'm sure you do
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:22:29 PM): beth beth beth
SuiZe WeBeR (9:22:44 PM): yes?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:22:53 PM): so you like your scars?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:23:04 PM): is that why you're punk so you can be different
SuiZe WeBeR (9:23:10 PM): oh yes i love them i paiont them bright colors and show them off
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:23:22 PM): thats sick
SuiZe WeBeR (9:23:47 PM): i buy this really expensive glow in the dark paint too so it glows when i go clubbing
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:23:56 PM): faggot
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:24:02 PM): who goes clubbing
SuiZe WeBeR (9:24:11 PM): i do actually
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:24:38 PM): its probably the gayest thing ever, gayer than nick
SuiZe WeBeR (9:24:59 PM): oh you want to talk shit on my friends now?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:25:12 PM): sure?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:25:24 PM): i was just comparing something gay to someone gay
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:25:27 PM): thats not wrong is it?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:25:37 PM): what is ur problem? you dont need to talk about my friends
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:25:43 PM): why not?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:26:13 PM): cause what probelm do u have with my friends? what did they do to u
SuiZe WeBeR (9:26:15 PM): ?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:26:30 PM): that's a pretty shitty excuse
SuiZe WeBeR (9:26:55 PM): i guess you dont have enough material to continue talknig about e you have to say shit about my friends
SuiZe WeBeR (9:27:12 PM): you thik up a bunch of shit to say before you tslked to me you fucking loser
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:27:14 PM): hmm then gimme some shit about you
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:27:42 PM): well how about boys just cheat on you and you play other guys now?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:28:18 PM): well lets see one person cheated on me and I'm not in a relationship so how am i "playing" pther guys?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:28:20 PM): other*
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:28:33 PM): please you fucking know
SuiZe WeBeR (9:28:41 PM): no... no i dont
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:29:16 PM): you're tuff bilbrough
SuiZe WeBeR (9:29:19 PM): if uve got something to say just say it
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:29:23 PM): get your friends to IM me
SuiZe WeBeR (9:29:34 PM): i didn't tell anyone to do anything
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:29:45 PM): oh yeah victimizedinconveniance?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:29:51 PM): or some shit
SuiZe WeBeR (9:30:10 PM): i was just saying how much of an ass you are
SuiZe WeBeR (9:30:18 PM): they took thier own initiative
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:30:29 PM): oh.... right
SuiZe WeBeR (9:30:47 PM): i dont need other people to fight my battles
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:30:52 PM): you sure do
SuiZe WeBeR (9:30:59 PM): i have nothing to hide like u obviously do
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:31:31 PM): neither do i. im happier than a clam. i graduated, have a job, a bf, a license, a car, an apt
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:32:02 PM): apt
SuiZe WeBeR (9:32:38 PM): well obviously ur not if ur sitting here iming me
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:33:14 PM): oh its just amusing
SuiZe WeBeR (9:33:30 PM): well then you dont have much of a life now do u
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:33:41 PM): oh i do
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:33:51 PM): its summer. i have free time when im not in college
SuiZe WeBeR (9:34:10 PM): exactly not much of a life
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:34:19 PM): like you know
SuiZe WeBeR (9:34:45 PM): well you think you know all about my life but you dont know jack shit
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:35:01 PM): are u sure?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:35:13 PM): is that why you cry about it to random guys?
SuiZe WeBeR (9:35:33 PM): cry about what?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:35:45 PM): you act like youre so fucking innocent
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:35:50 PM): go be emo a little bit more
SuiZe WeBeR (9:36:02 PM): oh yeah im so fucking emo
SuiZe WeBeR (9:36:08 PM): and i cry all the fucking time
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:36:11 PM): youre myspace = emo
SuiZe WeBeR (9:36:25 PM): ooo so ur a myspace whore
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:36:31 PM): no
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:36:34 PM): i dont have a msypace
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:36:40 PM): with 500+ friends
SuiZe WeBeR (9:36:52 PM): yeah that's why you've seen mine
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:36:59 PM): someone showed me youres
SuiZe WeBeR (9:37:12 PM): oh ok someone
SuiZe WeBeR (9:37:15 PM): sure
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:37:21 PM): becky
SuiZe WeBeR (9:37:38 PM): oh of course!
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:38:02 PM): actually it was gabby derosa
SuiZe WeBeR (9:38:26 PM): if u say so
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:38:29 PM): i do.
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:38:38 PM): ok you're just fucking gay now
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:38:41 PM): later fatty
SuiZe WeBeR (9:39:00 PM): bye loser hope you geta life
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:39:17 PM): already had one, but thanks slut!
SuiZe WeBeR (9:39:27 PM): had one? what hapened?
itsOnlYBloNdE ME (9:39:33 PM): i said bye whore
SuiZe WeBeR (9:39:43 PM): bye fag
itsOnlYBloNdE ME signed off at 9:45:23 PM.
I have NO fucking clue what this person is talknig about. I am utterly confused. How can you hate Beth?!?
May. 30th, 2006 @ 09:50 pm
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| » (No Subject) |
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o-kay I'm confused and awkward and stressed and a bit more confused...
Did you ever meet someone that you thought was gay/bi, even though they said they were straight? Have you ever met someone who you described as "gay, they just don't know it yet"? Well, I guess that's me. The majority of people that I have spoken to about this were not surprised by the news. It all makes sense, yet it still doesn't. I've had experiances with women before. I always thought it was just part of being young and experimenting. ...Well except that one time I was drunk and that wasn't all that long ago. That was pure lust/drunkenness. I've always admired and enjoyed the female body, but I never thought it was in any other way besides admiration. I have caught myself many times "checking out" women, but again I just thought it was admiration... thinking how I would like a great ass like that or perfect tits. Any time that I've watched porn, I was always much more excited by activities involving two females than a male and a female. I never could quite justify that one to myself. I've been questioning my sexuality for a long time, but I guess I never had anything to 100% verify that I do in fact enjoy women sexually. Also, I know many people in my family would not exactly be all for that preference. I do have many bi-sexual and gay friends, but they are all either male, taken, or just unattractive to me. I have never been around a group of lesbian or bisexual women around my own age. The only time I have (besides this past weekend) is at Day Out. When I go to that though, I'm the fag hag. I'm distracted by my friends and having too much fun to really be looking for eyecandy. This weekend, though, was completely different. I was invited to a BBQ by my co-worker. His sister, who is gay, was also attending the BBQ along with many of her also gay/bisexual frinds. My co-worker was distracted by his imature, VERY unattractive, psuedo-masculine friends who I found no interest in what-so-ever on any level. I had met his sister a few times before and was getting along with her and her friends much better than I was his friends. I started drinking and smoking and enjoying myself. Now, I know what you're thinking... "When Beth gets drunk, who knows what she'll hump", but I'm telling you, it was different. I looked at these women and I was, for the first time, comfortable looking at them the way I wanted to. I knew I could look at them and see them as attractive because they were doing the same to me. I didn't feel wierd. I felt normal. They were (almost) all very attractive women. THere were a few of your sterotypical gorgeous women, but they weren't really the ones I was really attracted to. They were defiantly quite nice to look at and dance with, but beyond that they were not that great. No... I take that back. They were great, but not in the same way a two or three of them were. They would make great freinds and great people to party with, but that's all. I think when I realized that is when I realized that I'm bi. I was looking at them the same way I look at men: there are some you don't like at all, some that you just want to be friends with, and some that you would definatly like to have as more. There were a few that I definatly wouldn't have minded having some fun with. One girl had wavey brown hair, gorgeous brown eyes, an adorable ass, a sweet smile, and a good personality. She was a little princess-y for my taste, though. Another was shorter than me with red hair, creamy pale skin with freckles all over and a very quirky personality. She was adorable, but nothing beat Monkey! Monkey had to have been the cutest chick I have seen in a looooooooooooooong time. I was drooling just looking at her and I couldn't help it. She was a little taller than me with dark brown hair that came right underneath her chin. She had incredible big bright eyes that I LOVED, she was quite yet little crazy. The funny thing is she kinda reminded me of a subdued version of myself. She had no problem making a fool of herself. She was dancing around, doing her own "special" dance that was hysterical. To top it all off, she's biking across the country!! Adventurous, too! She defiantly had a thing for biting, 'cause she kept biting people. The more she drank, the more she bit. haha Sound familiar? She was smart, funny, and so god damn cute I just wanted to steal her. Half the night I tried thinking of a way to approach her, but I was too nervous. I was also so confused by what it was that
I actually wanted. She seemed to be shyly flirting with me and repeatedly asked me if I was staying the night, which sadly I couldn't. At the end of the night, I left and nothing happened. I have such a thing for her now, though.
So... there ya go. I don't know what else there is to say. I still kinda feel strange. I guess I'm just not used to it.
Nick, I think, believes it's a temporary thing. I really don't see it that way. I've always felt this way, I guess I just never felt comfortable with it. Hunter said maybe I didn't know because I didn't want to accept it. At first I thought it sounded so strange, but the more I think about it the more I think it may be right. I know my family wouldn't like it. I have friends (straight female friends) that I know would be uncomfortable with it. I don't want to dissapoint anyone. I already feel as though I'm a disappointment to them, even though I know I will do everything I plan to do. I guess they don't see thoguh things as part of a success story, butI do. I also don't want to make any of my friends uncomfortable, even though cances are with how picky I am, I don't like them that way at all. I think the only friend I have that I think of even remotly in that way is Nikki, but she is fucking gorgeous, adorable, with big tits, a great ass, and one of the greatest personalities I have ever incountered.
wow... I'm glad I let this all out. I feel 100% better!! :-D
May. 30th, 2006 @ 02:26 pm
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| » huh? |
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I like women.
May. 29th, 2006 @ 01:00 am
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| » Maybe in Russia, Bubba, but not here |
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I still feel strange about the whole joe-bill-and other people thing that I highlighted in an earlier entry. Should I really be this willing to give up an oppotunity for a semi-relationship that seems to be at a standstill? I don't know what I want.
May. 26th, 2006 @ 11:44 am
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| » My Ball of Fire |
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I just read Pj's last journal blog whatever you want to call it. It seemed so strange because I completely understood, which I haven't felt that in a while. I haven't felt that I've been able to completely understand another person or have one person completely understand me in so long. As I said, it seems so strange.
My Big Story... My Ball of Fire...
My life from it's genesis and forever is my big story. It's a never ending, intertwining, mesmerizing time-line of stories. My big story is my existence. As for my ball of fire, I too wish to burn out in a blaze of glory. Even when I die, I want it to be while I'm experiancing life in its fullest. I want to be 85 years-old and die in a sky diving accident or eaten by a wild animal while on safari on my 90th birthday. My ball of fire is my spirit, which never seems to dwindle. No matter what life throws me I will always have my spirit, my knowledge that material is unimportant and that life is worth living. Adventure and excitement are life. Experience is life. When my life becomes monotonous and boring is the day I stop living. I want to live every minute I can. That's why I'm spending this summer working in OC (if all pans out). That's why I'm moving out. That's why I'm going to Alaska. That's why I'm joining the peace corps. That's why I'm spending two years teaching in an impoverished area. That's why I'm going to backpack in Ireland. That's why I'm going to take every risk and every adventure that comes my way or pops into my head. In the end, my life will be my big story and my ball of fire will never be extinguished.
less fear MORE PASSION
May. 26th, 2006 @ 11:00 am
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| » read me |
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Beth Bilbrough
Mike Storey
Ian Murtha
Lost in the Jungles of Iraq
“Yeah!” The pubescent man danced in victory while singing loudly, “I win! I am a king! I am the chief, the captain! I am the king of the world!”
“What do you mean, you win? Rock beats scissors.”
“No! I win!” He stamped his feet in protest. “If I bash your rock with my scissors, it’ll break! I WIN!”
George Bush and Dick Chaney were about to resort to fisticuffs over their arduous battle of Rock, Paper, Scissors, when Laura Bush entered the oval office. “George! You’re not ready yet?!? We have to leave for Iraq in an hour!”
George frowned and scowled at Laura. “I don’t want to go! I won’t!” George stamped his feet, yet again, in objection. He flopped to the floor, crossed his arms and huffed to express his intent to stay.
“You WILL go and I am NOT dragging you all the way there! Get up and get your stuff. You’re going, unless you want an introduction to my fist!” As Laura departed, George slowly rose from the floor, making faces at the now closed door.
“I think you should go get your stuff. I’m already packed. I think it’ll be fun! I’ve always wanted to go to a jungle!” Chaney optimistically and moronically stated this in a joyful tone that completely altered George’s opinion on the issue.
“ Yeah!” George danced again, “I could be like Tarzan!” George ran from the room to go pack.
Chaney stood up from the couch and sauntered over to the chair behind the president’s desk. “If only I didn’t have to go,” he said pitifully as he pounced onto the chair, making it spin uncontrollably. When the spinning stopped and he regained his balance, Chaney sat appropriately in the chair. “I could definitely be a better president!”
Bush ran back into the room moments later. Cheney jumped up from the chair and started to fumble with papers on the desk. “Do you know where I put my purse?”
“You have a purse?” Bush inquired skeptically.
“Um... no. I meant to say, ‘Where’s my wallet? Have you seen my wallet?’” Chaney stammered as he rushed to fix his slip of the tongue.
“No, but since when do you need a wallet? I don’t pay for anything! Do you have to? ‘Cause if you do, that sucks!”
“No. I just like to have it to show off. I thought you were packing,” Chaney said accusingly, trying to avert the conversation away from his own guilty mannerisms.
“I had my people pack for me. I don’t have time for that! I challenge you, my friend! I challenge you to a duel: Tic Tak Toe, a game for only the bravest and most intelligament!”
“You mean intelligent?”
“No, intelligament!” George stood proudly. Chaney remembered that look. He had seen it many times: when George had eaten two entire pizzas himself, when he had finished an entire twelve- pack of beer in seven minutes, when he had managed to trick Laura into eating a bagel he had dropped on the floor, etc. “I made it up,” George whispered to Chaney as he pulled out a notebook. “Afraid of the challenge?”
“No, prepare to be defeated!”
Hours later, Air Force One was turning in preparation to land. Laura, stressed and annoyed from listening to the gruesome twosome for the entire flight, had all but acted on her threats to extinguish them. The lane landed with ease onto the runway. Laura stood at the door, waiting desperately to leave. As the door finally opened, Laura exited briskly. George and Chaney finally ended their hour long wrestling match to stand up straight and fix each other’s ties. They left the plane, suppressing their giggles as they looked over the crowd of people before them.
George leaned in to whisper in Chaney’s ears. He made sure to cover his mouth as he snickered and said, “They look so funny! I’m so glad we came! This is going to be fun! …But where’s the forest?”
Chaney looked confused and answered,” I don’t know. Maybe we have to drive somewhere. I bet you I can get in more pictures than you!” Chaney quickly jogged down the stairs with George on his heals.
After a press conference, long diplomatic dinner, and a good night’s rest, it was morning once again and George, Chaney and Laura had a busy day planned for them. Laura woke up first. She showered and got dressed. She then marched into the bathroom and filled up the waist bucket next to the sink with water. She sauntered into George and Chaney’s rooms with a large grin on her face. She threw the water from the bucket onto Chaney and George. They awoke started.
“What was that for?” Chaney yelled.
“I don’t like you,” Laura answered smugly. She turned and exited the room, whispering to herself, “I should be president.”
George and Chaney got ready and met Laura in her room. They got into their limo and headed out. The further they drove, the less buildings they saw. The further they went, the more sand they saw.
“I thought we were going to the forest!” George looked at Laura cynically, awaiting her response.
“Yeah, we have to go over all this sand first, moron! You can’t get to the forest without going through the sand first!”
“Oh, ok!” George answered gullibly and enthusiastically.
After another hour, they pulled up nest to a sand dune, one of many. “Get out,” Laura said. “I have to go and make an appointment with the king of the forest so that we can enter. You wait here. I’ll be back in a half hour.”
“A half hour,” Chaney wined. “I want to go now, though. Can’t we just come with you? I don’t like sand.”
“No.” Laura slammed the doors shut as soon as they got out and quickly drove off.
“Didn’t we just come from that way? She doesn’t know where she’s going. She’s going to get lost.”
“I guess we’ll just have to wait here,” George said, annoyed.
George and Chaney sat for hours on the sand dune, amusing themselves with “Your Mama” jokes and dirty riddles. They decided that Laura must have gotten lost and they were to find their own way to the forest.
“We came all the way to Iraq; I’m going to the forest!” Chaney yelled.
George’s face lit up as he exclaimed, “I have a compass in my boy scout pack! That’ll help us!”
“Do you know how to use it?”
“…No. I was hoping you would.”
Things were looking grim as George and Chaney marched off. They couldn’t figure out how to read the compass so George chucked it into the distance. They couldn’t see farther than ten feet in front of them. They were blinded by the whirling sand. They continued to walk, oblivious to the direction in which they were going. Blind and without a plan they meandered on, until they ran into a tall, gangly, scruffy man walking in the opposite direction that they were.
“Hey, man! Can you help us?” George asked. The sand-covered man seemed to ignore him.
“I don’t think he speaks American,” explained Cheney. It was as he said this that George realized who this somewhat ominous figure was.
“OSAMA! Chaney, catch him!” George yelled.
Cheney refused to go. “Why don’t you!?”
“I don’t want to get my hands dirty. Momma always said to keep my hands clean and there’s no sink round.”
Chaney was about to run after Osama Bin Laden screaming, “I’ll catch you, you rascally Osama,” when he screamed, “You can’t catch me, I’m the man!” Chaney pulled the bee bee gun from his back pocket and shot him in the foot. Bin Laden dove into the middle of a sand dune and tunneled away, eluding the two masterminds.
"The most important thing is for us to find Osama bin Laden. It is our number one priority and we will not rest until we find him,” Bush yelled as they followed after the tunnel of sand Bin Laden had created.
The sun began to set and they were growing weary. They had gone six hours without food or beverage. They were about to give up and sit once again on another sand dune, when they spotted an espresso machine in the distance. Ignoring the fact that it seemed much too large to be a working espresso machine, they raced towards it. When they reached it, they realized that it was indeed a giant espresso machine, several hundred feet tall.
“Think it’s a Starbuck’s? I hope so. I want an orange-_mocha frappachino.” Cheney led the way as they approached the doors. They grabbed the knocker, a coffee mug, and vigorously rapping it against the door. To their surprise, the individual that answered the door was quite familiar. Bin Laden, clad in a “Kiss the Cook” apron, swung the doors open and offered them a large tray filled coffee crumb donuts.
Despite their anger at Bin Laden affectively escaping them, they could not resist coffee and donuts. “I really don't care if he got away. It's not that important. It's not our priority anymore. I want donuts,” George stated as he enter the coffee house.
Blindly following the alluring tray of donuts, both Chaney and George walk into a vat of molten caramel.
“Drown! Drown so can put you into my special recipe for Starbucks Caramel Syrup,” Bin Laden screamed then cackled with delight.
Chaney, an avid fan of caramel, immediately began consuming as much as he could. His blood pressure quickly increased and he immediately suffered a fatal heart attack. George screeched in fright and swam over to the edge of the vat. Just as he thought he had lost all hope of survival, Condeleeza Rice broke down the doors. “I’ll save you, Georgey!”
Coneleezza grabbed a hanging rope of sugar and swung over the vat, grabbing George and saving him from his sweet, dismal fate. They ran from the coffee house and jumped onto Air Force One, which was conveniently parked ten yards away. As they got onto the plane, George saw Laura sitting in a chair.
“You! How did you manage to survive?” she yelled.
“Condie saved me!” George said as he embraced Condoleezza. “What would I do without you?!”
As Air Force One headed back to the U.S., Condaleezza and George played hangman as Laura sulked in a corner, regretting ever bringing George to Iraq. “Well at least I got rid of one moron.”
May. 24th, 2006 @ 02:42 pm
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